The Car Ride Home!

Three Key Learning Points* The worst thing you can do is ask them to analyse what went wrong.* The car ride home is not the time to coach - even if you ARE a coach.* What they need most in that moment is unconditional love and acceptance.This post is ostensibly for swimming parents but it’s a good one for coaches too - because part of your job is educating the parents in your program on how to handle the big moments.So here’s the scenario. Your child has gone to a big meet. New goggles. New bag. Everyone’s been excited about the Meet for weeks. But, for whatever reason, their swimming performances didn’t meet their own expectations or yours or the coach’s. Now you’re in the car on the way home. They’re quiet in the back. Maybe headphones on. Maybe gaming. Maybe just staring out the window.There’s that silence that we as parents all know so very very well.And as a parent you’re thinking: “I’ve got to say something. I love them. I can’t bear to see them like this.”This is one of the most critical swimming parent moments you’ll ever experience. Let me walk you through what NOT to say and suggest what you can say and do that might actually help.Don’t ask them to analyse what went wrong:The absolute worst thing you can say is this: “Gee, I thought you’d swim a lot faster darling. What do you think went wrong?”They know they didn’t swim fast. Their coach has already spoken to them about it. They’ve seen their split times. Their teammates have already told them. A competitor or two probably had a go at them. They’ve been beating themselves up since they touched the wall.They do not need YOU - the person they love most - asking them to dwell on it a little more!Don’t try to coach them:“I was watching your backstroke today. You really need to throw your arms more. Push off faster. Kick harder in and out of the turn.”Don’t do it.You’re not their coach. And even if you ARE their coach - in that car, in that moment, you’re not. You’re their parent. That’s the only role that matters in that car in that moment.Don’t compare them to other kids:“Gee, Susie went really well today. Susie was so fast. You normally beat Susie.”Another massive NO! Comparing your child to other kids in that moment just makes them feel smaller and worse. Don’t go there.So what CAN you do?First - say nothing. If they’re in their mid-teens especially they’ll come to you when or if they’re ready. Pushing things only makes them withdraw further.Second - divert. “Hey, on the way home I thought we might grab some takeaway. What do you think?” Give them something small and joyful to think about that’s not related to swimming. Take the spotlight off the meet for a minute. They don’t have to be sitting in the back hitting themselves over the head with a brick the whole drive.Third - share something positive about YOU. “You know what - I really enjoy going to swim meets. I just love watching.” Tell them something that makes it not all about them and their performance.The bigger picture:I’ve been through this hundreds of times with sporting parents - not just with swimming but with football, rugby, tennis, basketball, rowing, gymnastics: every parent at some time will experience the car ride home after a sporting event.The car ride home is far more important than most parents realise. Get it wrong and you create more stress, more frustration, more sadness. You make it harder for the kid to come out of it.But get it right and it’s a chance to demonstrate something extraordinary - unconditional love.Whether they won nine gold medals and broke records, or got disqualified and missed their entry time - love them. Cuddle them. Tell them they’re amazing. Show them they’re valued for who they are not what they swam.If they have you as their “rock” - i.e. the certainty that you love them whether they win or lose - then they have the stable foundation to come back, recover, learn and grow. They always do.Summary:The car ride home is one of the most important moments in your child’s sporting life.Don’t analyse. Don’t coach. Don’t compare. Stay quiet, divert if needed, share something positive about yourself and above everything else - love them unconditionally. That’s the rock they will build the rest of their sporting career - and indeed the rest of their lives upon.Three Practical Applications For Your Coac