521: Ask David-Friendship, Rejection, and Anxiety About Sleep

Ask David: Friendship, Rejection, and Anxiety About Sleep Hosts:Kevin Cornelius, LMFTDr. David BurnsGuest: Dr. Matt May In this Ask David episode of the Feeling Good Podcast, David Burns, Dr. Matt May, and Kevin Cornelius tackle two listener questions: one about the painful experience of feeling that your efforts at friendship aren't being reciprocated, and another about anxiety-induced insomnia. The conversation explores a common theme underlying both problems: our suffering often comes not only from what happens, but from the thoughts and assumptions we make about what happens. When Friendship Doesn't Feel Reciprocal Brittany writes about a recurring pattern in her relationships. She is usually the one who reaches out, initiates conversations, and tries to build friendships, but she doesn't feel that others make the same effort. She wonders: "What am I doing wrong?" Kevin suggests an important alternative: perhaps she isn't doing anything wrong at all. There may be many explanations for another person's lack of reciprocity. They may be busy, uncomfortable making new friends, or simply not interested in the same kind of relationship. Most importantly, we aren't the right friend for everybody—and everybody isn't the right friend for us. David introduces the TEAM-CBT technique of Reattribution, encouraging Brittany to consider explanations other than the automatic conclusion that something is wrong with her. The group then explores Changing the Focus, one of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Rather than silently wondering what another person is thinking, Brittany could directly—and respectfully—acknowledge the tension and ask the other person how they experience the relationship. But saying something this vulnerable can feel risky. What if the other person really does reject us? David, Matt, and Kevin explore this fear through a Feared Fantasy role-play, imagining some of the harshest things another person might say. The goal isn't to create a perfect response; it is to discover that even rejection can be faced, accepted, and explored with curiosity. The role-play produces one of the episode's central insights: accepting another person's criticism or rejection can sometimes be much more powerful than trying to defend ourselves against it. When Trying to Sleep Becomes the Problem The second listener, writing from China, describes three months of anxiety and insomnia. They desperately want to get eight hours of sleep, but the fear of not sleeping creates tension that makes falling asleep even harder. Then, when they realize they haven't slept well, the panic starts all over again. David immediately points to the value of a Daily Mood Log. Rather than guessing what is causing the anxiety, he recommends identifying the specific negative thoughts, emotions, and belief ratings connected to the insomnia. Matt suggests using the What-If Technique to uncover the fear underneath the anxiety: What are you afraid will happen if you don't get enough sleep? Perhaps the fear is that you won't be able to function, that something terrible will happen, or that you will lose control. Once the underlying fear is identified, it can become something that can actually be examined and challenged. Kevin also challenges the assumption that everyone needs exactly eight hours of sleep to be healthy. The discussion emphasizes that anxiety about the need to sleep can itself make sleep more difficult. David summarizes the ide