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by Vanessa & Xander Marin
Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had!
Latest Episodes
The most recent episodes — sign up to get AI-powered summaries of each one.
- 6 days ago56 min
E270: The 5 Silent Relationship Killers That Turn Partners Into Roommates
We ran a poll and 67% of couples told us they feel more like roommates than partners. This week we're walking through our D.R.I.F.T. Framework: the 5 silent relationship killers that chip away at intimacy, plus the small shifts that bring you back to each other. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: The full D.R.I.F.T. Framework and why that 67% roommate stat lands so hard for so many couples 📱 How the average person's 144 daily phone checks can turn date night into two people scrolling side by side 🔁 When "who's grabbing the kids?" takes over and the deeper conversations start to disappear 😐 Why the absence of conflict isn't the same as closeness 🙏 The gratitude gap that lets resentment move in, and why appreciation is one of the biggest predictors of a happy marriage 🤝 How the "bristle reaction" kills everyday affection, and the 10-second reset that brings it back These might feel like small things, but over time they add up to real distance. The good news: once you can name them, you can start to shift them, together. 🕯️ Ready to swap the drift for a little more spark every month? The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to keep choosing each other on purpose, with low-pressure ways to stay close long after the credits roll on date night. Fresh ways to reconnect that you don't have to dream up yourself, so "fine" never gets the chance to settle in Simple, doable ideas that bring real conversation and everyday, non-sexual affection back into your week A monthly nudge to keep intimacy intentional, because connection takes intention, not mind-reading 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cure. Cure Hydration just launched in Target, which I'm genuinely pumped about. I stocked up last week and the box is already half gone. So next time you're at Target, grab some! Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- 1 weeks ago58 min
E269: Tie-Breakers: We Referee Your Realest Relationship Standoffs
Every couple has that one thing they’ll argue about until the end of time. TV in the bedroom. How to load the dishwasher. Can men and women just be friends? 👀 We asked our community to send us the disagreements they just can’t seem to settle with their partner, and today we’re weighing in as your official referees. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: 💋 Is oral foreplay or the main event? 🐾 If the pet falls asleep on your lap, are you officially off chore duty? 👀 Can men and women really be just friends? Our take. ✂️ Who gets the final say when it comes to grooming and body hair? 🕯️ Want more fun, flirting, and connection with your partner every single month? The Spark is our monthly membership full of playful, low-pressure ways to keep things exciting, no matter how different the two of you are. Fresh sweet & spicy date ideas, conversation starters, and intimacy prompts every month Simple ways to reconnect, even on your busiest weeks Something you can actually look forward to doing together without having to plan a thing 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- 2 weeks ago1h 2m
E268: Ask Us Anything: Only Fans, The Ick, & Creeps In The Comments
It’s Xander’s birthday! And this week for our Ask Us Anything episode, we decided to answer some of your personal questions! This one really pulls back the curtain on us as a couple. Ready for honest reactions, beyond real talk, and more than a little oversharing? 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Whether we've ever set foot in a swingers or sex club If we’re starting an Only Fans Is it weird that our parents know intimate details about our sex lives because of what we do Our honest answers about giving each other the Ick Who really initiates more between the two of us Our favorite time of day for sex, and the reasoning behind it How we handle the creeps who show up in our comments The single position we'd choose if we had to pick just one forever At the end of the day, we're two people figuring out long-term love, running a business, and life together… while keeping intimacy our priority. Thanks for being on the ride with us. 🎂 It's Xander's birthday, and the gift is going to you Xander is turning 41 and three of our most-loved guides and courses are $41 each, this weekend only! The Ultimate Foreplay Guides (normally $69), over 100 hand and mouth techniques shown step by step 🔥 save $28 on foreplay Ultimate Sex Positions (normally $97, save ), 42 illustrated positions with how to get in, how to move, and what each one is good for 🔥 save $56 on positions The Art of Initiation (normally $89), the six ways people want to be invited into sex, so reaching for each other feels exciting again 🔥 save $48 on initiation Grab one, or add the others for $41 each at checkout. The Birthday Suit Sale ends Sunday, July 12 at 11:59pm PT, then it's back to full price. 👉🏻 Pick your $41 guide here: [ADD SALE LINK] 🔗 Links & Resources 🛏️ Get the TABU Pillow — Comfortable, discreet, and actually changes the angle in ways that make a big difference 🔥. We’re obsessed. → https://vmtherapy.com/pillow 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- 3 weeks ago53 min
E267: The Hygiene Episode
Should I shower first? Is this normal? Why does it smell like that? This week we're going there with zero judgment, answering your real hygiene and sex questions one by one. Nobody taught us how to actually take care of our bodies for sex. Not our parents, not health class, not anyone. And so we've been left to piece it together ourselves, often while carrying a whole lot of shame that doesn't belong to us. That's exactly what this episode is about. We got flooded with questions from our Instagram audience on hygiene and sex, and we're answering all of it, honestly, warmly, and with more poop talk than either of us anticipated. From what to do before and after, to discharge, breath, smells, and the great cleanup debate, we're covering it all. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: What actually matters (and what you can skip) when it comes to staying fresh before and after sex Why the shame we carry about our bodies being "dirty" around sex is making everything harder, and messier What your vulva actually needs to stay clean (spoiler: way less than you've been told) Why semen can have a smell, and when it's actually worth a second thought How to tell your partner their breath or body odor is getting in the way of intimacy, without it turning into a fight The gush: what it is, why it happens, and what you can actually do about it The after-sex cleanup debate: cup-and-shuffle, a towel by the bed, or straight to the shower If you've ever felt self-conscious about your body, your smell, or what counts as "normal," we hope this one leaves you feeling a whole lot more at ease. There's no shame here, just us answering the questions everyone's secretly Googling. 🕯️ Want to keep things exciting long after this episode ends? The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to stay connected, playful, and turned on, without having to figure it all out on your own. Fresh ideas and prompts delivered every month to keep intimacy feeling alive Low-pressure ways to reconnect, even on your busiest weeks Made for real couples and real bodies, zero shame required A simple monthly nudge to put each other first again 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks The Spark. No planning. No awkward ‘what should we do?’ Just open it and go.And it’s only nine dollars a month, cancel anytime. Because a little spark goes a long way. ➡︎https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- Jun 25, 202656 min
E266: Ask a Sex Therapist (Part 3) Sex Pillows, Squirting, and Standing-Up Sex
You send us your most "I can't believe I'm actually asking this" questions, and we live for it. So we're back with the third edition of Ask a Sex Therapist, going rapid-fire through as many of them as we can, with real answers, tips, and stories. No question is too awkward, too niche, or too "is it too late to ask this at my age?" 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: What "tossed salad" actually means, because it's never too late to ask How to tell if you're about to squirt or pee, and whether squirting is even real Is the G-spot orgasm real? We settle it Sex pillows and spit as lube: the honest yes-or-no on both Why standing-up sex never seems to work, and how to fix it Why a partner might go soft when you're on top Strap-ons as a tool for guys facing performance pressure Whether it's worth shaking things up when your sex is already great If you've ever sat on a question because it felt too weird to say out loud, consider this your permission slip. Chances are, someone else is wondering the exact same thing. 🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES Get the TABU Pillow Comfortable, discreet, and actually changes the angle in ways that make a big difference . We’re obsessed. 👉🏻 [INSERT LINK] 💦 Variety is the spice of life (and your sex life) Ultimate Sex Positions is our guide to over forty illustrated positions, with step-by-step help getting into, out of, and moving in each one. Over 40 positions with clear, illustrated, step-by-step guidance The fixes for the ones that never seem to work (standing-up sex, we see you) Toe-curling, bedsheet-gripping experiences built for both of you Plus the secret to actually craving more sex 👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex 💪 For the guys: no shame in your game The Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure gets into what's happening in your brain and your body, so sex feels good instead of stressful. A holistic approach to performance anxiety and erections Real help for early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and going soft Build genuine confidence in your technique For hotter, more satisfying sex, minus the stress 👉🏻 Check out The Modern Man's Guide here: https://vmtherapy.com/modernman 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- Jun 18, 202653 min
E265: Is This Cheating? (Part 3) Emotional Affairs, Secret Texts, and Sneaky DMs
Have you and your partner ever actually sat down and defined what counts as cheating? Most of us never do, which is exactly why the gray areas get so complicated. We're back with Part 3 of Is This Cheating?, weighing in on your trickiest, most "wait, is that okay?" scenarios. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why every couple has to define cheating for themselves, and the talks most people skip Real listener dilemmas: late-night drives, a secret sex-shop trip, and disappearing text threads The female-friendship situations that blur the line between platonic and something more Our honest take on the big one: does masturbation count as cheating? A rapid-fire round on nudes, dating apps "for friends," flirty DMs, and drunk Vegas kisses Why this is the perfect episode to play for your partner and talk through together If you've ever felt unsure whether something crossed a line, you're not overreacting and you're not alone. The clearer you get on your own definition, the easier these conversations get. 🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month? The Spark is our monthly membership that delivers fresh, low-lift ways to connect, flirt, and keep things exciting. New prompts and ideas delivered to you every single month Designed to spark real conversation and connection, together Low commitment and big payoff, for just a few dollars a month Perfect if tonight's episode has you wanting to reconnect with your person 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- Jun 11, 20261h 0m
E264: What Women Really Think About Part 3
So we're back with Part 3 of What Do Women Really Think About…?, giving you the honest answers women don't always say out loud. From the mental load to mirror selfies, nothing’s off limits. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Whether women actually want a "book boyfriend," or if that fantasy is better left on the page? The real deal on mental load: is it running in the background every single day? Cum on the face: hot, not, or total depends? We give you the honest answer. Dick pics and mirror selfies: what reads as sexy vs what gets an instant delete? Blowjobs before a shower: the candid take you've been too shy to ask about. Why women open up to their friends about their sex lives so freely? Getting finished with hands or fingers: thoughtful move, or last-ditch effort? Here's the thing: the questions that feel embarrassing to ask are usually the ones everyone else is secretly wondering too. You're not weird for being curious. You're just paying attention. 🍆 Ready to be the best they've ever had? The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to using your hands and mouth on your partner in ways that will blow their mind. Clear, no-guesswork techniques for fingering, oral, handjobs, and blow jobs. Separate guides for vulvas and penises, so you know exactly what to do. Built to take you from unsure to genuinely confident. Perfect if today's questions left you wanting to level up. 👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
- Jun 4, 202656 min
E263: How to Have More Fun in Your Relationship
When was the last time you and your partner did something purely for fun? Not productive, not logistical, not about the kids, just fun. If you had to think about it for a beat, you're not alone. Most long-term couples slowly drift from enjoying each other to managing life together, and fun is usually the first thing to quietly disappear. In this episode, we're talking about why couples lose the fun, why it matters way more than most people realize, and 5 surprisingly simple ways to bring it back. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why fun is one of the most underrated forms of intimacy (and how it actually builds resilience, attraction, and friendship) The IG poll results that show just how universal this is. Only 21% of our community said they have a lot of fun in their relationship The most common things that get in the way of fun, from kids and money stress to "we honestly just forget" The reframe that helps you find more time for fun. If you've been feeling more like roommates than romantic partners lately, this episode is a gentle reminder that it’s possible to bring back the fun. 🕯️ Want more fun, connection, and intimacy in your relationship every single month? The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep playfulness, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship. Fresh prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly Designed for real couples with real lives, not just the honeymoon phase Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore Only $9/month, less than a latte and way better for your relationship 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast 🔗 Links & Resources Sex Talks (our book) → https://sextalksbook.com The Ultimate Foreplay Guides → https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Ultimate Sex Positions → https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Dad a gift that captures who he really is, before the stories get harder to remember. Father's day is Sunday, June21st. Order RIGHT NOW and save up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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About Pillow Talks
Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had!
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Frequently Asked Questions
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It's a free AI-powered email that summarizes new episodes of Pillow Talks as soon as they're published. You get the key takeaways, notable quotes, and links & mentions — all in a quick read.
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