S3 | Session 11: You Can't Problem Solve Your Way Out of Pain

When your partner is hurting, what is your immediate instinct? For most of us, it's to grab a toolbox. We want to solve the problem, clear up the misunderstanding, or offer the perfectly logical explanation that will make the pain go away. But what if the urge to fix the problem is actually just a disguised attempt to escape our own discomfort? If you've been listening this season, you know Mike usually defaults to logic and defense mechanisms when things get tense. Today, we look directly at what happens in the split-second after a trigger. Mike admits that his absolute first instinct when Rachel is upset is to justify and explain, noting that if he can do so successfully, he can stay out of the agonizing feeling of being a failure. By helping Mike slow down and sit in the physical tension of that fear, he is finally able to tell Rachel the truth: he isn't pushing her away; he is pushing away the pain he doesn't want to face. It's an honest look at how our protections often create the exact disconnection we are trying to avoid, and Rachel finds a lot of relief in finally hearing his authentic self. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Negative Cycle Workshop: Mapping Your Negative Cycle Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.