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Come As You Are Podcast: Daily Summaries Delivered
by Ally Hamilton
How much do childhood wounds shape who we become? What does it mean to heal? How can you be a deeply feeling person in this world and not lose your mind? We'll get into all of that and more.
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- 2 days ago1h 44m
The Injustice System
This episode is about the two different justice systems that exist: one for clean-cut, well-off white boys and men, and another for the rest of us. This topic was spurred on by Judge Nicholas Rowland’s devastatingly lenient sentencing of three teenage boys in the U.K. on May 21st — but this is, infuriatingly and unconscionably — nothing new. Start paying attention to cases like these, and there’s no missing it. We talked about assault in a straightforward way because sadly, it is a fact of life. We’d love for that to change.When girls and women accuse “upstanding” young white men of rape — men like Brock Turner, Jesse Mack Butler, Mason Lee Gipson, Christopher Belter, Reuben Vanstiphout, Steven van de Velde, and Jacob Walter Anderson to name a few — judges will focus on their “promise and potential”, leaving the girls or women in the courtroom (and the ones watching from elsewhere), to wonder about the intrinsic value of their own lives, and if there might be anything special about the future that lies ahead of them. You wouldn’t think so listening to these judges, or looking at the sentences they give out. Media rags will describe these violent young men as “baby-faced” and put them on the cover for weeks if the cases are high profile enough and it will help them sell papers. It’s been happening for as long as I can remember, back before Robert Chambers, though he was on the cover of newspapers for months on end. “The Preppy Murder” they called it, and even at fifteen, I wondered about Jennifer Levin’s mother, and how she must feel. They described him as a “handsome altar boy”, but that was a narrative painted by his legal team. The truth was a lot darker, but it didn’t matter because he was selling papers. If he hadn’t been so arrogant, I have no doubt that judge would have been talking about his promise and potential eventually, but he got drunk at a party and decided to act out the murder on a Barbie and laugh about it. So he went to jail. That’s how far a guy has to go to pay for what he did. He has to strangle a Barbie on camera and laugh about it while he says, “Oops, I think I killed it.” That’s when a judge will think twice about saying he has “promise.” We talked about what it feels like to know as a girl and as a woman, this is what’s in store if you come forward, and, importantly, we talked about how to change things at home, in the judicial system, and in the world at large. Parents, aunties, anyone who has children, preteens and teens in their lives, please take note (without those young ears around). We talked about rehabilitation in the context of incarceration. Huge love to the fabulous Dina Honour, you can find her brilliant essay on the topic here. My essay about this heartbreaking reality is here. I would be so appreciative if you would sign this petition started by award winning Criminal Behavioural Analyst Laura Richards to Investigate Judge Nicholas Rowland and Introduce Judicial Accountability Framework Now. We really can’t go on this way, it isn’t good for anyone.Sending you lots of love, friends. Thank you to all who were with us live, and thank you to those who listen later. It is so wonderful to be in conversation with you.Ally and Dina This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- 2 weeks ago1h 22m
The Grace of Loving No Matter What
This episode is all about love, and I am so thankful I got to dig into this topic with these two fantastic human beings and phenomenal writers. Kate’s novel, Book of Grace, is a sweeping, epic love story that cannot be stopped by time, loss, death — or all the different ways women sometimes prevent themselves from following their inner compass because they put themselves last on the list. It asks the questions, how do we love what doesn’t stay? How do we give people grace when they can’t choose us, they can’t choose themselves, or they tell us goodbye for other reasons? Is our love still valid and worthwhile?How would life be if people were their best and highest selves when life handed them curveballs — even painful ones? What would that look like, and what could grow if forgiveness was the soil? What if we didn’t hold on so tightly to our vision of how things should be, and instead allowed something wild and unexpected to take root and flourish? Is it possible we’d be amazed? Is it possible everyone under the tree would blossom?As if to answer those very questions, Katrina’s book, Hurricane Lessons: A memoir of betrayal and becoming is about the unraveling of her twenty-year marriage, and the reclamation of her true self. Sometimes you walk into a Pilates studio thinking you’re there to strengthen your core, and it turns your life inside out. The experience blows through your family like a hurricane. You will be rooting for Katrina every step of the way, but you probably know that just from listening to the talk. We talked about grief. We talked about complicated grief, and how relationships don’t end when people die. We could have talked for hours.I cannot recommend these books enough. These are strange times in our country. There is a persistent and intentional attack on women’s rights, on the LGBTQ community, on women who have decided not to have children, and women who have children, but no support. There are systemic issues like the gender pay gap, a lack of affordable childcare, PTO, affordable healthcare, and a continued pressure for women to carry the mental load for everyone. These are the stories we need in the world right now. I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did (the joy) and I hope you will order these incredible books if you can! Also, big shoutout and so much gratitude to everyone who showed up to be with us live! Elissa Altman thank you for making us laugh, pretty sure the thumbnail attached here is thanks to you, and Paul Crenshaw thank you for this incredible Jack Gilbert poem you recommended when we were talking about reframing relationships that end. A divorce is not a failure. It’s simply a relationship that ended. Come As You Are is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- 2 weeks ago1h 25m
Intersectional Feminism Could Save the World
It has been hard lately, a thing I was writing about this week in French Toast for the Table — and something Dina was also writing about in her essay, If Men Are in Crisis, I Know Something That Might Help (Shhh…It’s Feminism). For those of us who grew up with chaos, uncertainty and violence, and learned hyper-vigilance as a tool of survival, waking up in this country day after day feels all-too-familiar. It’s an ongoing assault on the nervous system to hear the voices of smug men spewing contempt toward women, Black people, brown people, the LGBTQ community, the immigrant community, survivors of abuse, or anyone who doesn’t please them, for any number of reasons — from the highest offices in the land. Of course it’s not just their words, it’s the real-life consequences that follow. We knew when they overturned Roe women and girls would suffer, and — in many cases — lose their lives. Maternal and infant mortality rates have gone up in every state with restrictive abortion bans because that’s how it works. Then they started talking about the SAVE Act. The president canceled all funding for DEI programs in the government and in public schools and universities, refused funding for schools teaching critical race theory, and demanded all red states racially gerrymander their maps so he could try to retain his tiny majority stronghold in the House and Senate. Of course he didn’t say the quiet part out loud. Now the Voting Rights Act is gutted.The Epstein survivors get no justice, but the perpetrators of heinous crimes get their names blurred. Women couldn’t get a credit card or bank account in their own names until 1974, landlords could refuse to rent apartments to single mothers until 1988, and female senators were not allowed to wear pants on the Senate floor until 1993. We still have a gender pay gap.I believe in my heart there are more of us who want the world to be a kind and loving place than there are people who are cruel and depraved, or pathologically self-serving. And I know there are many of us wondering what brought us to this precipice where we now find ourselves, and what do we need to do to gather everyone up, and head in a much better direction?I don’t know how we do anything if we can’t communicate. I have had conversations with men who think if you’re a feminist it means you “hate men” and that is not correct. Feminism means you believe in equal rights and opportunities for all people politically, socially and economically, regardless of gender. It means you want to dismantle the patriarchy because you realize it’s making us all very ill — even the men and boys it was set up to serve.And while we’re here, “down with the patriarchy” does not mean “erasing male voices” — it means we make a circle where we put the most vulnerable people in the middle — the kids and the elderly. We make sure they’re safe. The rest of us are in that circle shoulder-to-shoulder, no one is on top.White supremacy, patriarchy, and technocracy are the ties that bind. They are an intertwined beast. That’s the systemic part of teaching boys not to cry, not to be vulnerable. Painting ourselves into these corners where men can’t ask for help or show emotion is not helping and it’s not realistic, and telling women they are not allowed to be angry is the fastest way to be dealing with an angry woman.Dina and I talked about intersectional feminism and what it is, patriarchy, white supremacy, the wide range of normal human emotion, and Somebody, Somewhere — among other things. Not sure exactly how or why, but we end up laughing a lot. Which is good. I hope you laugh, too. I hope you do whatever you need to do, all emotions are welcome. Please let us know how you’re feeling in the comments, and if you have any questions .Sending you lots of love,Ally and Dina This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- May 1, 20261h 23m
Ally Hamilton and Dina Honour on Misogyny, Patriarchy, and All Men
Huge thanks to everyone who showed up live to join for this conversation, and to everyone about to listen. This talk is for any woman who has been reeling since the CNN report about the “rape academy.” Much has been written in the last few weeks, especially by women trying to get our heads around the idea that it isn’t just desolate parking lots and dark streets where we aren’t safe, it isn’t just that we have to worry about what time of day we’re going running, it isn’t just that a man could slip something in a drink if we’re out with friends — it’s that now, it could be our husbands slipping something into our last cup of tea for the night. (Not all husbands.)There’s a larger conversation to be had about what is happening when girls and women are not considered as intrinsically valuable as boys and men. (And it should be noted, and it was, that little boys are also victims of sexual assault). When that sentiment is weaved into the fabric of the stories we grow up with, the films we watch, and the messages we’re receiving everywhere we go, it’s the system that needs an overhaul. This is also a talk for the men who are devastated, who love and respect the women in their lives, and who don’t want things to be this way. We wondered if some of them might not know how to help right now, or what to say, or what questions to ask. It’s a talk for the “not all men” men, and the ones who get furious over the “choose the bear” conversations. It’s a talk for anyone who would like things to be different, and so much better than this.Here is Dina’s linked essay that we referenced, A Willing Suspension of Disbelief, and here are links to The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman (which was initially published in a magazine in 1892, so shoutout to me for randomly retaining bizarre facts in my head, but not remembering things from last week), and Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been? by Joyce Carol Oates (do not read before bed or if you are feeling overwhelmed by everything already, it is very sad and very disturbing, but excellent. It has stayed with both Dina and me for 40 years, so do with that what you will). Here is my essay we were referencing, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Where do the motherless daughters run?I would not say that we found answers or even that we were looking for answers today, but I would say we found the comfort and relief that comes from being together, and naming things — calling things what they are. Pulling the monster out from underneath the bed so it stops tormenting us, and making it sit down where we can all see it clearly and talk about it. That’s a lot less scary to do with a whole group of people there with you, and it’s a start. Dina and I had such a marvelous time together, and it was such a joy to be with everyone in attendance. Amazing that we could be talking about such dark things, and come away feeling so much connection and joy. We hope you feel that as much as we do.Love to every single one of you,Ally and DinaCome As You Are is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- Apr 21, 20261h 1m
Prince Harming
First, if you are new to Come As You Are, I am so glad you’re here. Once in a while, an essay hits the right chord at the right moment, and I get to meet a whole bunch of new readers which is incredibly gratifying. Of course, it’s also devastating that the thing that brought us together is our horror over the news that there are men all over the world who have such little regard for the humanity of their own wives, they are drugging them, raping them, filming it — and uploading this content to websites where other men are happy to pay $20 in cryptocurrency to watch. Nonetheless, I am grateful to be in this conversation with such an empathetic group of people.In this episode, I read the essay — a thing I don’t always do — and then talked about some of the issues we are all grappling with — what has happened that we’ve gotten to a place where something like this could occur? Why is it that such an alarming number of men from all walks of life are dehumanizing women this way? How do we get more of the good men to be part of this conversation, actively and loudly? Ultimately, how do we change things — because this is not sustainable or okay.If you want to skip the essay part because you’ve read it, you can jump to minute 36. If you haven’t read the comments under the essay, I would encourage you to do that — there are so many women sharing their own stories and perspectives, and so many men who genuinely want to help. In almost 200 comments, there is only one mansplainer, and I feel pretty certain he used AI to help him write his response —which is so on-brand if you wrote it into a TV script, you’d get a note back that it was too “on the nose.” There are a lot of stories right now that are difficult to process. My heart is absolutely shattered for the Elkins/Pugh families in Shreveport, Louisiana. My heart is also broken for the children of Cerina and Justin Fairfax, who now have to live without both of their parents, because their father killed their mother and then himself, while the kids were in the house. Their sixteen-year-old son made the 911 call. In both cases, the wives had asked for a divorce. It is worth noting the most dangerous time for women in domestic violence situations is the time period right after they try to leave.There were some who misread the CNN report about the Rape Academy and the 62 million views, and thought that meant there were 62 million men who watched. It could be there were 31 million men who visited the site twice a day. It could be they went to the site to watch other content, and only some percentage watched the unconscious wives who had no idea they were being raped and filmed. However many men, it was is too many. If there were 70-plus men who took part in the Pelicot case in France for years — in addition to Gisele’s husband, and there are women in the U.K. and Canada and Poland and the U.S. whose husbands are also doing this, I think we need to assume it’s happening everywhere. There are multiple sites hosting this content, not just the one. There is a chat room for men who want to learn how to do this to their own wives. Trying to make this conversation about math right now is not the move — unless you want to out yourself as a man who genuinely doesn’t care, and likes things the way they are. I am happy and thankful to say there aren’t any men like that in the comments section, or anywhere in my life. Nor will there be.I am hopeful that men who have been saying “not all men” will take this opportunity to start having conversations with the boys and men in their own lives, and to reflect on how they feel about women, genuinely. We have a systemic problem. If you aren’t clear on that, please educate yourself about rape cases in the U.S. generally. Please educate yourself about custody rulings when there has been abuse and a mother asks for supervised visitation. Please educate yourself about marital rape laws, because while marital rape is illegal in all 50 states, <a target="_blank" href="https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/marital-rape-states
- Apr 5, 202648 min
I'm the President Now
No one has ever heard a podcast episode this good. It’s amazing, people are saying it’s incredible — they’ve never heard anything like it in their entire lives. Can you imagine speaking about yourself like you were the most amazing person ever to grace planet earth — meanwhile you’re just a mean old windbag who thinks Hannibal Lecter was an asylum seeker? Someone pass the fava beans.This week I read the essay and then talked about lying. It fascinates me when people lie with conviction, or knowingly support people who lie — without a hint of remorse or hesitation. There are reasons good people might have a hard time saying true things, and I talked about that, too. Ultimately, though, if you want to have meaningful relationships, calling things what they are is part of the deal. It’s also grounding if you grew up with chaos and violence, or spent time trying to make everything okay for everyone all the time. The truth isn’t always easy, but dealing with things as they are is a lot easier than pretending things are okay when they aren’t — or pretending this president should be compared to Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. That was not a typo.“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”Sending you a lot of love, friends. Happy Easter if you celebrate. Happy Sunday if not. Either way, thank you for your kind attention to this matter. Come As You Are is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Thank you for being here xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- Mar 30, 202652 min
Up in the Air/Defensive Driving
I’ve been feeling weird about the podcast lately, like I wasn’t sure if I should keep doing it, or if I should change the format and get a co-host, or if anyone was listening, and then I just realized there are stats, haha. I don’t know why I didn’t think to check sooner, the dashboard has stats on everything. I just tend not to look. Anyway, I found the stats, but then I was like, I have no clue what a good number of downloads would be for a podcast episode in the first 7 days, so these stats don’t help me. Then I remembered Google, and it seems like I should keep doing this, apparently. So thanks to those of you listening to me spouting off about this crazy time we’re living through, and I hope it makes you feel less alone if you feel alone sometimes, because I know I do. There are days I feel defeated, and other days I feel enraged — and on good days I feel determined, resolute, hopeful, full of the productive kind of fire, and ready with a side of gallows humor. Seemed like a good time to say thank you for crying with me, laughing with me and spending some of your precious time with me. I don’t take it lightly. This episode is about cleaning out my childhood home, having a different definition of being “ready to move in three days” than my brother, finding letters from my dad that elicited some big feelings, and letting those feelings flow. It’s also about Sara Bareilles, dead carcasses in strange places, Plato, and why we need to send all the billionaires packing. Sending you lots of love, friends.Come As You Are is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit allyhamilton.yogisanonymous.com/subscribe
- Mar 9, 202652 min
The Board of Epic Fury
In this week’s episode, I dug into the idea that people are not a monolith; how we’ll get into trouble every time we conflate the president/leader/head-of-state with all the people who live in their country. It’s clear as day when you think about the (not) United States. Of the 342 million of us who live here, only 77 million voted for this president (I say “only” though I find it astounding there are 77 million people who thought this man was fit to lead). 74 million people voted for Harris/Walz, millions of others did not cast a vote at all, and millions more (anyone under 18, or not a U.S. citizen) were not eligible to vote. It would be inaccurate at best to say “Americans” support this president and the things he says and does, or that “they” are in favor of this war in Iran.It’s the same in any country. There were a lot of keyboard warriors talking about how the Iranian people felt when I woke up the morning after the president announced Operation Epic Fury. You can’t even put forty people in a room and have any reasonable expectation they will all agree about politics, life, ethics, or where you can find the best pizza, so why would anyone think you could talk about millions of people as if they have one mind? It is a wild and unfortunate pastime.There’s such a desire to reduce people quickly, to try to sort them into one box or another: the box of people who think like me (check!) versus the box of people I despise and shall now berate or cease to acknowledge. It’s a hashtag philosophy that makes it easy to other people, which is usually the thing the hash-tagger is railing against in the first place. Meanwhile, children are dying. The world has gone mad when you are only supposed to care about some children dying, and not others. If you can see children dying and go about your business, something has gone very wrong. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism and you are protecting yourself from the trauma of it all, but if you are someone who is affected when some children die, but not others, I would encourage you to please examine that. Any of us could have been born anywhere. You’re a citizen of your country because that’s where your parents happened to end up, and at some point some number of years ago, some man drew lines on a map and named the place where you live. It’s likely a lot of people died so those lines could be drawn, and if there are resources in your country, we can safely bet some other “leader” of a country with a strong militia has tried to come and take those resources from you in the name of “freedom” lol/sob/wtf. Sorry to be the one to say, lines on a map are utterly meaningless because none of us own any of this. We’re on a tiny planet in one solar system in a vast universe. Your president didn’t make this planet, and one day soon he’ll die. Your prime minister didn’t make it, either, and one day soon they will die. Your Supreme Leader didn’t make it, and one day soon he’ll die, too. Ashes to ashes.War and destruction is all b******t. People posturing, mostly violent, greedy men. When the time comes, none of the clothes in your closet will go with you. Your house, however big or small? It stays, you go. The tree in your front yard that you call yours? Not yours. Children are sacred. Love is sacred. The time we get here is a gift, and we should be spending that time in awe. In celebration. Making art, making friends, caring about each other, staring up at the trees, and at night, staring up at the moon and the stars. Holding someone’s hand. Swimming in a creek, digging our toes in the sand. Traveling. And always, taking care of the most vulnerable among us.War is the most ignorant, vile form of ingratitude and stupidity anyone could ever undertake with the tiny blink of time they get on this gorgeous tiny blue dot, where we have everything we need to survive, if only we weren’t so dumb, and if only we would stop giving power to weak little boy-men who have no clue what they ought to be doing while they’re here. The gall of blowing this place up when it isn’t theirs. The gall of killing children and acting like it can’t be helped. They didn’t grow those babies or push them into this world, did they? Meanwhile, children are dying on our watch. It’s well past time we make it stop.Come As You Are is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. I appreciate your re-stacks so much, and always love meeting you in the comments section xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with
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About Come As You Are Podcast
How much do childhood wounds shape who we become? What does it mean to heal? How can you be a deeply feeling person in this world and not lose your mind? We'll get into all of that and more.
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